epic fail...

failure... fail... epic fail... however you want to title it... it is what it is... disqualification... flag on the play... a penalty has occurred... i cannot fathom how many times i have disqualified myself, today alone! 1,000 times, 500 times, 52 times, even 1 time... its as if i just had spit in the Lord's face... my sin was payed for on the cross yes... but to deliberately, with the Spirit telling me No!, continue for a moments bliss? such sin is unforgivable... or at least should be... but through God and in God i am pure... read Psalm 21...

For thou preventest him with the blessings of goodness: thou settest a crown of pure gold on his head.

He goes before me... with great and glad tidings... He has nothing but good things to give me... i don't deserve any of it... Jesus paid my debt... and yet, my actions prove, i don't trust Him yet, completely... nor do i rely on Him the way i ought... as Shane & Shane so put it, "my heart sings praises to things that make me FEEL alright..." i flock to the desires of my flesh and give into the things of old... when my heart and mind... soul and strength should be locked onto grace and mercy, love and meekness...

i flip through and meditate on a Psalm i read about 2 weeks ago...

Also keep back Your servant from presumptuous sins;Let them not rule over me; Then I will be blameless,And I shall be acquitted of great transgression.

mmm... so the trick to living a pure life, and never experience failure is to allow God to keep you... give God everything... and absolutely everything... to rely on Him... THEN and only then shall anyone call me blameless... shall i stand before a jury of my peers and fellow human beings and be seen as Stephen, the first martyr, with a face as an angel... pure, undefiled... blameless...

i will falter, i'm human... but my presumptuous sin is taken care of... me thinking i'm good, turns into me knowing i'm good... me falling for temptation turns into staring temptation in the face and knowing, it doesn't phase me... me giving into my flesh turns into me crucifying my flesh to the cross... leaving it there to starve, wither and die... don't be like those who fall from grace... who over analyze simple theology...a failure... but instead, be like those of old... praying and ever looking to the author and finisher of our faith to be the ever present in our time of need... amen...

psalm 20 ... emotions

a plethora of emotions are running through my mind... i just can't seem to make my mind stop wandering for 2mins just so i can fall asleep... one thought beat by another consequent question abruptly silenced by my ever wandering heart...

it's nothing serious... but this is what i need in order to get my heart on the path of understanding... i'll ask the questions... seek to find an answer... but i know the answer already... i know what i have to do... it's just, i don't want it to come to fruition just yet... let me mellow... allow my mind to tangle, and then unwind... leave me to my thoughts... because this is my sanity... this is my "going through it" ... let me convey my emotions, upon Your word Lord...

i'm happy to see where i will be... i prayed for this jostling... i yearned for refining... Lord, i know it's You... calm my heart... center my very being... let me utter David's words so eloquent, "SELAH"... oh God of Jacob... now i understand... Jacob, wrestled... desired... fought for... never backing down... sought with all his heart... demanded... and was blessed... given... received... allowed... humbled... make me like that Father... in my toils... in my fears... show Yourself strong... because i am weak... i am fragile... i lack... i cry... i give in... i back down... i cower... and yet... i am blessed... i am anointed... you do provide and are in the process of humiliation...

be gentle with me Father... but let me go through it... i need the fire... i desire the heat... let me taste brokenness again... allow me the Fear of You... but for now... do not leave me... for i hurt... i'm stuck... i need... i want... but... i'm not understanding of even what i feel now...

"i need You more, more than yesterday.

i need You more, more than words can say,

i need You more, than ever before,

i need You Lord, i need You Lord..."

the offering...

i love where God has me... the experiences i have had... the moments of failure i've experienced, am experiencing and are going to experience... i love it... i love it, i love it!

but one thing amazes me... how He's building this shepherds heart in me... i want more... i know i'm not to desire leadership, Paul made that rather clear... but what i do know is, where else can i utilize my gifts than in leadership? discipleship...i think, is my greatest gift i've received so far... teaching, a close second... love, a tie for second... and worship, lastly... i love being filled with the Spirit... how can a Christian help but not desire this filling? it's so satisfying... its equally my completion till my rib is made known to my heart...

but till that time... the Father is all i try to please... He's all i attempt to please... and myself is all i need to give... my flesh as a living sacrifice to the world... the peace offering for my worship... the free offering to my life... the meat offering to the Father... awww man... God is so great...

today's blog isn't so long... im super tired... but i hope all who read this saw a little into my heart... and hopefully would desire a place of intimacy with the Almighty... grace and peace

yielded and restored...

first day back... and it feels great to be back... singing worship is a very grand passion of mine... especially when i know that people are worshipping the Lord... and loving some great vocal harmonics to boot... it comes with weird side effects... i was utterly drained after church today... i got home ate... and knocked right out, even through 3 phone calls from my pastor... oops...

the sermon John gave today was amazing... a challenge to the body to truly be in a place of openness to the Father, allowing Him to reveal their sins... but what broke my heart is the fact that only a handful of people responded... i'm amazed at the way John can preach to ages of all times... i saw young adults probably in their 20's to an elder gentleman come to the Father's embrace... i guess when the Lord appoints and readies you, no one can resist the scent of Jesus that is diffused from a believer, fully given to the Spirit!

it's an ever freeing feeling, to have forgiveness and restoration... i know personally what the Lord's restoration can do for an individual... that guilt, that shame, that burden, the defeat: released. but why don't people take advantage of it? that's why the church is here... to come alongside the poor and needy (physically and spiritually) and provide grace and love... something my church excels in...

i love learning new things and revisiting lessons learn long ago... today i revisited the Fear of the Lord... man, i almost came to tears thinking of who i was, and thinking about what the Father has to put up with... but yet He still finds ways to allow me into His presence... the awe of God the Father... my friend, yes... my comforter, true... my everything, sure... but my Lord and my God... the creator, the administrator, the controller all truth... and when seen in that light... of the God who can't dwell with sin... of the Father who reproves a child when wrong... God cannot fellowship with iniquity... and if our lives exude iniquity, sin, then He can't have His way in our lives either... and if you are walking with the Lord and you do have a relationship of intimacy with the Father, then you need to be understanding of placing yourself upon the brazen alter, and not getting off until your sins are purged...

sure, you can get away with not sharing your whole heart with the Father, good things will happen, ministry can take place from you, but when it's all said and done, you end up dry... wanting... needing... but never being satiated... because the Lord can't fill with His Spirit the vessel that still has dirt and remnants of earthen filth... the oil of the Spirit cannot be refreshing if you're still dirty and disgusting from the life of living in the world... God loves us... He will still use us, despite our stubbornness, in light of our un-yielded spirit, but think of how much more powerful your ministry can become if only you'd allow God to have everything...

then you can echo what David says...

"Thou hast proved mine heart; thou hast visited [me] in the night; thou hast tried me, [and] shalt find nothing; I am purposed [that] my mouth shall not transgress."

because David understood, if the Father is indeed the One whom equips, prepares and anoints... then it will be the Father whom will be the driving force, the power, our virtue... and in Him we shall be found blameless... be open to the Spirit, church... let us truly glean from examples past... but let us also remain in a place of ever being taught... cause the Lord is in the business of reminding and constant refining...

blameless...

i'm down in San Diego with the family, watching my little cousins as their mom has gone to the Philippines and their father is working this whole week... i get to spend some time down here and truly get away...

it feels good to just chill and hang out... sheesh! soo much better than the whole running around day in and day out... i just hope and pray that as i take time to chill and recollect my thoughts and mind-set, that i sit at the feet of my Father and truly enjoy my sabbath! my prayer for the week is the prayer of David in Psalm 18:23 "I was also blameless before Him, And I kept myself from my iniquity." I know the Father has given me every tool that i need to remain blameless before Him... keeping myself for not only ministry but my wife as well... to fathom the very truths that lie in the pages of the Bible... heeding the very words of David are all too educating... the massive attacks on his life, and yet he makes this declaration, 'I kept myself from my iniquity'? the same Spirit that resides in my life, was active in my Messiah's life many lifetimes ago... i have the power, through God, to stay pure in all things... temptation is good... it's my trial... some hear that and think, 'what are you talking about? isn't it bad to have temptation in one's life?' can i submit to you, No! falling for the temptation is sin. remember Jesus Himself was tempted, suffered, for me and for you. but what calms my heart, after repentance, is knowing... my sin keeps me in a place of humility! i do not ever want to be caught up in sin... i do not! but what i know is my God is a God of forgiveness, of long-suffering. and now, the ever falling, the ever desiring to be right with the Father brings about a kind of awareness to catch myself...

Back in Psalm 18:25 thru 26 "With the merciful You will show Yourself merciful; With a blameless man You will show Yourself blameless; With the pure You will show Yourself pure; And with the devious You will show Yourself shrewd." i am being made perfect in the Spirit. (Galatians 3:3) having said that, my life's desire is to show God in all these venues and conduits in my life... to be merciful, to be blameless, to resound purity and to know when i fall He shall be piercing to know my state and aggressive to see me broken! i'm His creation... i'm His workmanship... and i will continue to draw close to the Father, if He lets me... when He's done with me, i know then and only then will i be perfected...

joshua thompson

So i wanted to start this blog off with a very special brother to me... Joshua Thompson is a very dear brother not only to me but the youth of Calvary Chapel Moreno Valley... let us start at the beginning of this friendship...

i met Joshua with another dear friend, my pastor Sammy Martinez. we met on a lunch meeting at Portillos... needless to say... it was an opportunity of epic proportions... as he described his relationship with the Father, i sat there thinking... i should get away and seek the face of the Lord, and truly rely on Jesus for the renewal of my spiritual heart... a relationship with the Father was what his message was to me... to truly seek God... to actually desire God... and as simple as the decree was to me... the great depth it was to follow after Joshua was intense... I knew God but did i truly KNOW Him? hearing His voice... heeding His Spirit... was what i was doing for the Father enough? evangelizing for the kingdom... preaching every sermon like it was my last... was what i was doing for Jesus Jesus? was i ready to delve into deep waters, a life actually devoted to the Almighty, or was i still wading in water trying to see spectacular things in a fountain?

time and time again Joshua has challenged me to seek God... whenever our paths cross, there are times of enriching... momentary heart checks... periods of soul searching of immense importance in my walk... i attribute this understanding of the knowledge of knowing God to him... although i do know where i am now is a joint effort by many valuable brothers to my life, Joshua is one of those men of importance to me...

i think about the testimony of my brother Josh to me… how the Lord has used Him… and i desire that my life be as radically changed as his was… but my Christianity is not his… i know the Lord wants to use me in a completely different manner… but i wish… i desire that i can be as edifying… as loving… as sensitive to the Spirit… this is the desire i have… to seek the face of the Father… read my Word… and from the throne of the Father will i love… i will be edifying… i will overflow with the Spirit! give me the desire of my heart… for i know that this is Your will Father!

the Spirit...

it's one thing to experience brokenness when you're alone with the Father... it's another thing to experience that same brokenness with people like-minded... tonight... man... how can i express, rather, how can i describe the movement of the Spirit in the lives of most the High Schoolers on this retreat? It's beyond me that the Father would allow us forgiveness, but to allow me to participate with the pouring out of His Spirit to minister to His children? No way!

Tonight i saw honesty... i felt compassion overwhelming... and so much so, it knocked me off my feet... i witnessed the fruits of discipleship and the redeeming of a generation wanting! these boys, go through so much... they're partakers in paths unimaginable... but now they can add another chapter to their autobiographies... simply titled, 'the Spirit'...

reflecting on the time spent with the guys... i still don't want it to end... it's Friday, or rather, was Friday... and after an intense prayer session at the chapel, the Lord puts it on the hearts of the leaders in the bunk rooms, 'sanctify yourselves, for the victory that the Lord is going to produce tomorrow!' from that thought, obedience... from obedience, honesty, intimacy... righteousness! i've been a part of movements of the Spirit before... seen healing, heard tongues and their interpretation... prayed for the new believer and back-slider... produced disciples walking with the Father... but never like this... God knew what He was doing when He gathered us together and, using our backgrounds, allowed us the opportunity to minister... from broken homes to drug use, from pornography and lust to agnosticism... i felt useless... 'it's my fault this happened to you!' one thought crossed my mind when praying for a kid i've been close to since 5th grade... 'i've gone through the exact same thing!' flocked constantly... 'i don't know... i don't know how to handle this!' was my minds answer...

simply put... tonight was a night, even if these kids fall away from the Father, they will remember who was amongst us... fighting off the enemy... giving His children victory! they will remember God!

excitement...

for those that are involved in our ministry, @calvarychapelmoval , you know that the High Schoolers are going to retreat to the mountains for some time spent with our Father... i'm all too excited to see how radically the Father is going to move... i know my pastor is ready to share his heart... i'm stoked to even be a part of the ministry! be sure to stay posted on the blog as i will be sharing every night (at least) on what the Lord is stirring in our Youth... i'm ready!

but with retreats come attacks from the enemy... although we think that all we do is wrestle with powers and principalities, remember we wrestle with flesh and blood before the spiritual! from disagreements and disputes to mockery and malicious remarks, the enemy truly knows how to cause division... pray for our leaders... pray for our kids... pray for the worship team... that our collective hearts would remain humble... we would truly understand brokenness... and that the Lord would continue the work of breaking Fallow ground in our lives... don't ever be caught up in the arguments... as easy as it may be said... keep your eyes focused... you're a minister of the faith... not the over-seer of the entire ministry... unless the Lord did put you in charge... stay in a place where you're not in charge... as it was said, 'there are only two places that are safe for any human being, heaven and the ground, the difference between the two... from Heaven, angels fell... humility has yet to take a casualty!'

Brokenness

there is a lot to the word brokenness... from the daily struggle to find out just who we are, to the embarrassing truths that lie within each stone we've placed upon our walls that shelter us from the outside world, brokenness is all but intrusive... its because of it that we can be used to our utmost... it causes one to truly gain an understanding to the 'what's' and 'why's' in our lives towards things outside of 'us'. to stir us to draw more closer and rely more dependently upon the Father.

without the effects of this simple word, one exists to pleasure one's mind and body; summed up in one word... our flesh! a rabbit trail that leads to a dimension of truth where it's all about 'you'! our ministry to the Father is plagued with thoughts of 'our' desires, 'our' needs, 'our' wants if you will... minus brokenness in our lives equals a submission to flesh... a place where pride covers all thoughts... obedience isn't in the dictionary... meekness, which is power, becomes to no avail... all that remains in this life: a wanting to do the will of the Father shrouded by a constant anxiety that we feel, knowing that we aren't being used to our full potential!

but a life yielded to brokenness is bliss! as much as our flesh hates being stuck in a place of embarrassment... we need to know that the end result of us standing 'naked' before the Lord will produce a more sweet fellowship, a depth of intimacy that we as humans can never understand. because of the openness, because of our being honest, the Father see's us and heeds the prayers of the diligent seeker; anointing them with a fruit of the spirit that we cannot produce outside of the Father, self-control... oh the glory of the Father... to allow someone, unworthy, to a state of righteousness, unattainable... then gracing them to further their devotion to the Lord... because brokenness isn't a one time experience... every time we encounter the Living God, whether in worship or service or seeking, we remember how 'naked' we were before Him, and desire to be that honest with Him once again! it's own adrenaline rush if you will...

if you haven't been broken... if you haven't sought the Father in His throne room to be awe'd and amazed at His justification, may i be truthful and say, 'You don't KNOW God!' you're ministry, although you bare fruit (in man's eyes), you're not being used to your maximum... i speak from experience... only this past year or so have i understood, 'i NEED to be broken!' and let me submit to you, there isn't any other place i'd rather be... than before the Father, upon the brazen alter... being a burnt offering... offering my sweet aroma to the Lord... at His feet, my flesh crucified...

fallow ground (02.09.2010)

Starting out... i've been through my christian walk of six years now... i've born fruit of the spirit and know that the Father is with me... i don't claim to have some super wisdom of ministry, i'll be the first to say i'm still too young, but what i know is the Lord has His hand over what He's given me. He has allowed me to struggle to reach a plateau of intimacy that is ever-deep... i praise Him for the equipping i've received, and am looking forward to the continuation of what He has in-store for me!

From teaching the word to leading the body in worship, i'm an example to the diverse ministry one can partake in. But the horrid truth to being involved in ministry is the greater responsibility one will have when standing before the Father. i tremble to think how many people i've "un-lead" to the Lord... i'd have to answer for them all... i know some of my journey has been "flesh-traveled" instead of "spirit-led". But i know the Lord is faithful and just. i just pray i'm given over to the Spirit and that through living His walk will allow for the rest of my life to perfection in His Spirit.

i don't deserve anything that the Lord has done for me... i realistically would only be satisfied to know i've attained salvation through Jesus... but through grace... through God's abundant and ever-filling mercy, i'm given opportunity to be as the disciples; to live with the Messiah... to partake in fellowship and join in the glorious revealing of Jesus to us personally. i only dream of the day, when my flesh is finally crucified to the cross of Christ, and i'm transformed to a vehicle for the Lord to pour out freely.

But my flesh is fallow ground... my pride, my lusts, my weak spirit... keeps me reliant of the Father for everything... and as much as one needs to be kept as a sheep disciplined... i'm always seeking after the Father... making sure my heart is His heart... my will conformed to His will... but for the time being... i'm placed in a location... surrounded by Fallow Ground... a place i know the Lord only desires to use me mightily... i echo the words in my heart, "bloom where you are planted!"