so last night was pretty intense... from hanging out at "the well"... the night was filled with guitar riffs, questions of biblical answers, and the overfilling of great Thai food... i am thoroughly edified knowing that my saviour has His ways with preparing me and ministering to me through other brothers i'm in contact with daily... new and old alike... my brother brian...
why am i whole-heartedly an idiot? falling for the same trick over and over again... struggling with the very promise that the Father has answered time and time again... and yet, i doubt... i don't think past myself... i've been given the gift to see the big picture, hence my job (overseeing the facilities) and yet personally i can't overlook this obstacle to get over it... i throw myself upon that brazen alter of the Lord... offering my life a burnt sacrifice... the sacrifice that wasn't the law to obey, but was solely a sacrifice of a willing heart... a wanting and desiring heart to see one's self transcend this miry world, to a plateau of much needed intimacy with the Father... but every time i find myself getting on the furnace... it gets too hot... the fire becomes too intense... to see my flesh burn off and seeing the very thing that i worry about start to fade from my grasp... i jump off prematurely... i run from the alter because i hold on... i "care" too much... but no more... i can't hold onto the thing that is keeping me from giving my "all" to the Lord... it's all to difficult for me to just, let go... but Jesus never said it was going to be easy... His yoke is easy, His burden light yes... but i put this yoke upon myself... and i've been disobedient to the Father... i put the yoke on because it's broken me in... it's been proved to my neck... that's why i haven't had victory... that is why my life is still living "Spirit-filling" to "Spirit-filling"... never overflowing... never ministering from that pouring out...
realizing this... just from hearing Brian talk about his soon to be wife... and hearing David and Jameson joke about finding their P-31... haha... this is why i'm not ready... because i keep holding on, thinking that the Lord doesn't have anything more... how wrong am i? to see past the relationship and desiring His relationship... i learn submission... and just as i learn my lessons from the Lord... my wife echo's the same treatment... she will be submissive to me, kind and loving... compassionate, smart and very beautiful... and me... unworthy... yet loving as Christ loves his church...
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