tis 2012... and i haven't updated this thing in eons it seems... but i do want to share what has transpired in my life and the things that i've heard and seen... maybe it will be a help aid to you... or it will just be confirmation to me in my daily walk and journey through life.
here we go!
i've been in a most random place in my personal trek with the Lord... i've actually thought of leaving my faith, because things were so unclear in my life... from the longest drought season in the word to the death of a friend... my walk has been weary... not to mention rather confusing... i really don't struggle with my singleness or the fact that i'd be satisfied with Christ and Him alone... but more on that later...
to not receive from God in over 3 months... reading and gaining nothing in spiritual stature... it's depressing... thinking that i've messed up, or i've jacked up immensely... it's humiliating... to sit there and think of every circumstance that God can say, "it's for that reason!" or "because you didn't do that!" i felt inadequate for ministry! and rightfully so! no one should enter into or continue to do ministry when they aren't receiving from God. but yet... there i was praying for people, embracing the sinner and putting together schedules for teachings... by no means am i condoning to have filthy hands and raise them to the Lord and watch as He blesses you... but that's what He did... the constant prayer of mine was that of "God let me glorify you... in everything i do"! that was my heart and is my heart. but when it came to the death of my friend, Saskia Burke, i stood there with her father unable to summon the love that I've been known to impart to other believers and non believers alike... all i did was stand and pray... as i heard the story of her life being snatched away and the lives of this family become ravaged and turned upside down... the only comfort i could bring or give was to stand there... and with shut mouth, because i didn't have anything to give... nothing! all i wanted to tell Paul, the father of Saskia, was that Jesus loves him... that this tragedy was borne because of man's fallen state... the evil that destroyed this young life was because of the absence of God in the self... the only way that life could continue and joy to be restored is by having a relationship with God and trust that everything the happens in life is all a part of His ultimate will... we have but to yield to Him! "but how would he receive it?" i thought. "would he listen? or just brush it off as feeble minded?" so my prayers turned to cry's... "Father... what would you have me say? How can i glorify you in this place?" but silence... so i held my tongue...
it was humbling... it didn't make sense... but i know it was because i haven't spent time trying to know God more... it was better that i didn't say anything... and Praise God because He knows what He's doing... i don't have to try to muster something, because He loves Paul and his family more than i ever will! I could do nothing but rely that God will open the door or that He'll be the one to tell me word for word what i am to say! God knows better than me and i have but to rely on Him and His guidance... so for the time i pray... for the lives that have been shaken... and for the Holy Spirit to impart wisdom and comfort!
i want to be obedient to God! i don't want to do anything apart from His will or plans... and Woe to me if i do... because then it's because i'm trying to summon something or do ministry of my own resources! that's my place in God right now... my walk is to be obedient to His leading... in everything prayer... and i know that God is going to provide... as His word says, "it rains on the just and unjust..." but "greater is He who is in us, than he who is in this world." God is in control and if we the faith to keep our eyes on God... He'll reveal Himself to us... and my prayer for anyone who reads this and is an unbeliever would be encouraged to give God a try! He is willing to reveal Himself to you because He loves you... and would want nothing more than to give you salvation, that when the day comes to stand before Him in judgment... He will know who you are and embrace you with open arms because of the struggles we have had to endure because of our selfish nature... God is real... Jesus did in fact live on this Earth, taught great moral teachings and ways to live... but more so, took our struggles and heart aches... our failures as human beings... took all the anger and lust, the greed and hard-times and died for them all... even the one's we will make in the future! He loves you past and beyond your most wicked devices and died for them! Jesus loves you brothers and sisters... just know that! Jesus loves you!
